Revision- Intro

The original draft was very poorly written. It had very little personality and was simply dry. It sounds like something a middle-schooler would write, jumping from thought to thought very abruptly and not flowing at all. It was a writing that satisfied the informational requirements, and that's about it. The only strength it has was that it gave the information needed and had it in the right order. In the revision I basically rewrote the paper using the same information and sequence. It made the paper much more comfortable to read and added my personality into it. Even though no information was actually added, the paper became much longer. For example, I took "I want to be part of the group to help the guys," and in adding more depth expanded it into almost a full paragraph.